it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society
-- krishnamurti

I keep having these thoughts, like being all for the animals and stop caring for anything else in the world except caring for the animals, defending the animals, vindicating the animals of all the pain inflicted to them. How comforting would be not to have other issues then. My place among the others, the future of the others, the war, the fake wars. All the rest, the job the parents the loves. Just the animals, just because they're the weakest most endangered thing alive around and they look a little like us and they can save my soul.
It was the same with certain spiritual or political ideas just the other day. Nothing is real except the anguish which creates everything.
I know it would never work, like say being all for the people and socialism and about injustice and all like that, like my brother who would despise my being for the animals or the plants and not for the poor and the laborer.
I don't go for the absolutes and I get bored and confused when i try to put together things so irreconcilable like billions of humans eating the planet out and the rest of the things alive. Make out the puzzle and you'll only see what you knew already, everything eating everything out forever.

So I say, just forget it, it wouldn't drag me down to my real problems anyway.
I had three very hard months life is a mess as usual and I still have to come out of it. I wish I had the strength or the will or the faith in words to try to tell about it, and stop thinking about new funny ways to commit suicide or be forgotten and become a hobo. I don't know yet if I am going upward or downward. Years later. My hope is so young yet I am no longer a boy but a man decaying. A caveman decaying. I don't know a soul who would forgive me for being what I am and also not being able to tell about it. Etc.