Italy is falling  and I’m riding it upside down

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June 12th 2006. ramblin' around /7: obviously God reads my blog (and makes fun of it)

My last night in Budapest, it was raining, it was cold. I had been walking around all day. The next morning it was going to be the early train to Zagreb but, being my last day in Budapest, despite the rain I moved closer to the center.
I took the wrong path, then the wrong tram, then finally the right path again and after an hour I was still walking under the rain, freezing, my feet burning, still directed downtown.
I wanted the people, the bars, some animation, hear voices, see faces.

Then I started to talk with God in english, you know, those kind of things you do when you're alone. "It's my last night in the city. Aren't you gonna make me meet an hungarian woman tonight?"
You know, I didn't want to have sex or anything. I'm just imagining some talking, listening, unexpected meeting with unexpected people of the opposite sex. They say you make new friends when you travel alone, but it's not so true. At least not anymore. You do, if you pick them in the same category you are from (tourists meeting each other in the hotels). Otherwise there are certain barriers, and then everything seems to disappear from you hands as soon as you leave.

Half way downtown, the shape of St. Stephen cathedral appeared in the haze and it was unreal, fantastic in the frayed glowing of the streetlights under the rain. Nobody was around. All the places were closed. After a while, I talked with God again.
"Would you give me a dry bench instead?"
(pause)
"No! Forget what I just said! I'd still prefer the woman if possible!" This must have pissed God. I knew it, so I tried to haggle, making things worse.
"Let's say that if you give me the dry bench I'll know you are not going to give me the woman?"

Next thing I knew, at the bus stop of the 56 there was a dry bench. I sat on it, disconsolate. I rested my feet and resumed walking after a while, hoping that maybe God had decided to give me both the dry bench and the woman anyway. See, I am an optimist.
I also thought that probably real hobos have this sort of conversations all the time. They never get the company. Only sometimes, the dry bench.

Then, down along the riverfront, walking by all the big hotels, I finally had beautiful Hungarian women throwing themselves at me.
"Hey! where are you going?"
"Nowhere, just walking"
"Wouldn't you like some company?"
"What do you mean?" When my feet are burning, my mind is particularly slow.
"Where are you from?"
"Italy."
"Oh, Italy! How nice! Now, what about a nice hotel room and some company?"

You know, I never went with a prostitute in my life. I don't think I ever will, unless I get really desperate. That night, rebuffing prostitute calls all the way to the central bridge, I really thought God was making fun of me. "You read that thing on the blog about Hungarian women, did you?" I asked him.
But, you know, there are many who reads you but never publicly admit that they do, even if they get ideas from what you write. God is just one of them.

Finally I had reached the center, after all. It was all closed down except for the tourist-trap night clubs. I walked all the way back to the hotel and it never stopped raining. The next morning I was directed to Zagreb, on a train that left the bitter and sweet city of Budapest right on time.

-- p.s. thanks to you all who are commenting and sending emails to me these days. I'll answer you all as soon as i get back in Milan. Promise.


 
 

 

12 Responses to “ramblin' around /7: obviously God reads my blog (and makes fun of it)” :

figuriamoci said

the reason why people do not admit reading your stuff is you make such a big freaking deal of it. it’s embarassing to admit it, because no one you know is allowed to log in. and no need to get paranoid here, people read out of curiosity, simpathy, to kill time, whatever.
and because you choose to have a blog and you want to be read, readers are free to shape their own ideas… isn’t that the whole point? correggimi se sbaglio.

The constantblogger said

Hilarious!

Italyisfalling addiction is getting worse (or wrost…don’t know + don’t care. I’m aware my English sucks, at least compare to yours!): Should I be concerned?
;)
I mean, I HAVE to read your blog daily.
I’m starting to share some of the feelings you’ve described here, like some thoughts
in English. Sometimes I feel as I don’t have appropriate words in my own language to express deep emotions. Last night I dreamt in English. It’s weird… although I read a lot in English and I’ve been in touch with some Canadian friends for a long time, I’ve never experienced this before. I guess it’s your blog’s influence. Anyway, Italyisfalling is one of my daily reading, like a newspaper. So, I DO admit that I love your blog. You knew it before, I just want to emphasize that I’m not as shy as God.

corpodibacco said

dear figuriamoci. I probably haven’t expressed myself well. I probably have written these recent posts too quickly.

1) The fact that I make “a big freaking deal” if someone I know reads my blog, doesn’t mean that no one I know is allowed to log in to the blog. How would that be possible? It only means that if they do, I feel bad about it, and that for me it is a big problem. It’s up to them to respect this or not. Whether their curiosity comes first than their friendship, or whatever.
Anyway, if you consider it “a big freaking deal” you could do an effort to put yourself in my position. I would be grateful if you do.
There is not a single blogger around in blogland dealing with personal stuff on the level I do (even if not in every single post) who is not nicknamed and anonymous, and who wouldn’t be sorry to get publicly known with his rel name. It is pretty understandable, don’t you think? Just to make an example, if you try to tell how it was when you first went out with a prostitute when your wife was away for the weekend, would or would it not be a ‘big freaking deal’ if your friends, who are friends with your wife, reads about it and understand that it is you?
I still don’t know what will be of it, but as you see I’m trying to keep this blog open anyway.

2) what I said about “those who reads you, get your ideas, and never say a word about it”, had nothing to do with this (point 1). It was referred to certain “famous” italian bloggers that may or may not have been reading this blog, getting ideas maybe, but never felt compelled to say it. It is not a big fucking deal at all, just a casual remark. It’s their problem. I always pay my debts, either big ones or small ones.

3) “readers are free to shape their own ideas”… right. Anyway, since this blog is not intended to make me “look good” or to reassure myself about my political or social convictions, it is not intended to change anybody’s mind about anything either. On the contrary, I think this blog is here mostly to expose weaknesses and wounds and hypocrisies of its author, if possible. I take it as a tool to get to be more honest in my writing, that’s all.

Hope that this long soup made things clearer.

corpodibacco said

dear constantblogger!

First of all, let me tell you something: my english sucks. I only have a good ear, so to speak. But it takes me much more time to write in english than in italian. Blogging from public places abroad, with a time fare and all, I really realized this. So, you know, don’t be concerned. Just give yourself all the time you need.

Second, that remark I made about reading me and not saying a word about it was too concise and badly expressed. My fault. As you may read in the previous comment of mine here, it was just meant as a casual remark about those famous italian bloggers hungry for new stuff to write about and who so easily forgot to mention their sources. I’d make names here but, you know: Why not giving them another chance? :)
Obviously I wasn’t referring to you: and certainly it was not about people admitting to love my blog or anything like that!! (Actually, I have problems taking compliments, I never know how to respond to them. I always do it either too coldly or too warmly)

Finally, thanks for your words. I think this expedient of the english language could do good if it helps few of us italians out of the usual, reassuring acts of our italian story. In blogland, I mean. It’s all about what we can say about us and there probably isn’t a more prefect place than this, at least at hand, in this fucking messed up rich society we live in.

Constantblogger said

Don’t worry Bacco…I know you did not refer to me.

figuriamoci said

i would never marry someone i don’t trust or i’m not crazy for (that’s why i am not married). are you saying you like to be honest in fiction and a hypocrite in real life? how do you “pay your debts big and small”? by lying? what are the friendships you claim based upon? believing that you are different from who you really are? and yes you do look good here, you look educated, cultivated, cool, multilingual, a womanizer, a traveller, an existentialist, someone who gets more than one erection… whatever… even the title of your blog is smart and “looking good”. your striving for honesty is remarkable and more so because limited to the written page. wouldn’t it be more corageous to confront the people you live with? tell “the girl you live at” that you like to make love to others, that buying gifts for her makes you puke, that you prefer to focus on her flaws than her weird beauty. instead it’s easier to chastize politicians, tourists, cities, workers… just about anything and anyone…
it is the people who look at you in the eyes, who smell your smell, who listen to the tone of your voice, they have the whole picture, even in a 5 minute conversation. here you create your reality and you choose what to say and what to omit. you choose carefully your quotations etc. this is not you, or you would not be ashamed to show it. it looks polished, within the borders of a second language, un esercizio di stile. not bad at all… just don’t tell me this is you. buonanotte.

corpodibacco said

figuriamoci. Obviously you made up your mind about me. If you say that I look good and multilingual, that I am a liar and hypocrite, that I chastise anyone, that’s your say. Some of the stuff you refer to in your comment isn’t right, because you don’t know what you’re talking about (her “weird beauty”, her “flaws”, “you would not be ashamed to show it”), but it doesn’t matter. I don’t think I could change your opinion in any way, and I don’t want to, so I’ll just try not to care.
Only remember that if you are aware of all the contradictions or the hypocrisies here, it’s because I’ve written about it. Because I’ve exposed them. Otherwise you wouldn’t know, end of story. And, about the marriage thing, it was only an example. But out of the example, you really needed to let me know that having cheated on my girlfriend is a bad thing I did? Yeah, I kind of know that, thanks. Although I’ll probably do it again sometimes, what do you think.

figuriamoci said

well. one doesn’t need to be a Svevo scholar to know that an example is not just an example. and no… i don’t think cheating is “bad”… but you seem to live for honesty… you repeat it ad nauseam. then you ban your “friends” from your real thoughts. then you betray the trust of people who let you fuck them, and more importantly let you stay at their place…isn’t this meschinità one of the micro-reasons why italy is falling? and because you criticize everybody’s choices, you blame parents, society, nations… it’s funny to read also that you accept your own being fake, without the bat of an eye.
also, yes you write. but you also try to build a castle here, an image of yourself, as a man, as a writer. you do not expose your weakness in talking to strangers, unless you accept what they see. things you obviously do not see. (that’s when you “try not to care”) people respond to the written page with their own sensitivity. a reader might be impressed by your mastery of the english language, another might be interested on cheap accomodation in friuli, in that case they would wish you well, and that’s it. you are happy, everybody’s happy. that would be the end of the story. in this case the story is not finished. if you were so aware of your falseness, you would at least spare us tirades about the world being oh such a difficult ugly fake place to live in. get real, and good night.
oh, the right quotations for your girlfriend are “unconventional beauty” and “defects”.

corpodibacco said

uff. As I said, the way I see it, you are not getting me at all, and you have no idea of what you are talking about, but it’s you’re right to.

I don’t “live for honesty”. All that I said (but this is the last time I repeat it, because this is turning into a joke) is that I try to be honest when I write, that’s all. Other than that, if you think that you are honest with yourself and the others more than me, good or you. I assume you consider yourself righteous enough to go around judging others.

As I said, you made you’re mind up about me. I don’t know why, really, considered you don’t even know me, but hey, okay, I accept that. Let’s say that, just in case, I wouldn’t have that much curiosity to get to know you right now. What is the point of knowing someone who has the whole picture in his/her mind already?

Yet the presumption by which you draw your picture is almost absurd. You say things like “you do not accept your weakness in talking to strangers”, or “you criticize everybody’s choices”, or “you betray the trust of people who let you fuck them”. Wow. Aren’t you worried of hurting someone’s feelings here? No, I guess you are not. Because you assume that, since I’ve been hurting everyone’s feelings all the time, I can be hurt at will.

By the way, as I told you already, I haven’t fucking banned anyone from this blog. At most, I could close the blog down and change address to it, basically to avoid myself the risk of making the blog duller. But even if I did ban someone it would have been my right to, right? This blog isn’t meant to be read by someone I know in real life, is this so fucking difficult to understand? And, how do you assume my friends are in fact “friends”, between quotes, meaning they’re not real friends at all? How do you know that?

I’d be curious to know what is the kind of blog you like, anyway, and how much it is empty of lies and tirades.
Because, let’s face it, ultimately there’s a fine way to spare yourself those “tirades” and “lies” you obviously can’t stand from your virtuous point of view, and that evidently I inflicted you.

GailiaLiafson said

You don’t really need or want that lifestyle, it might hurt y’all slowly more…….Just tell him you
don’t wanna repeat something your not too proud of z7uas.

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